Below are steps to creating forgiveness when you have caused harm or offense to someone; i.e., not the steps to forgiving someone who has offended you. The burden to create forgiveness is on the shoulders of the offender, not the offendee. And though occasionally individuals can forgive without the offender’s participation, it is more difficult. The best and simplest way is for the offender to acknowledge his or her offense and work to repair the damage.

1. Accept your portion of responsibility – You are not a victim. You have choices. Your emotions, words and actions are within your control. Accept the fact that, regardless of your reasons for doing what you did, your actions or words caused pain for someone else. If you blame others—if you have to be right all the time, you will sacrifice relationships and your own happiness. That being said, the other person, whether through instigation or retaliation, may have offended you as well. Set that aside temporarily. Let them take responsibility for that later if indeed they are going to do so. Don’t make your maturity dependent upon their level of maturity. You take responsibility for what you did or said. Let them be responsible for themselves.
2. Describe what you did and how it was wrong and/or hurtful – Provide enough detail to let the other person know you actually understand what you did and how it was wrong. Admitting wrong too easily or generically implies that you are merely attempting to pacify the offendee or escape punishment rather than do the right thing.
3. Describe how bad you feel for what you did to them – Make sure you are seeking forgiveness because you feel remorse for the pain or harm you caused, not just because you got caught or because the consequences for your actions proved painful, inconvenient or humiliating. Pursuing forgiveness insincerely will only work to further undermine the other person’s trust in you. Say you are sorry, not to merely obtain absolution; say you are sorry because it is the right thing to do.
4. Realize repair may not be possible – Depending on the circumstances, you may not be able to obtain forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift, not an entitlement. You don’t deserve forgiveness merely because you are sorry for what you did. And if the person never forgives you, you have only yourself to blame. At times that is the cost of making mistakes. Sometimes asking forgiveness would bring additional, unnecessary grief into the offendee’s life. It may be the most caring thing not to ask forgiveness, out of concern for the offendee’s privacy or personal life.
5. Don’t explain why you did what you did - Explanation of your thinking or actions only negates your apology and ends up sounding like self-serving rationalization. Resist the urge to explain. Your explanation doesn’t matter to the offendee. All they care about is whether you are sorry for the pain you caused them; i.e., whether you care about their feelings. Explaining yourself says you care more about you than about them, which gets you nowhere.
6. Commit yourself to ensuring you will never repeat the offense – This doesn’t mean just “trying to do better next time.” Real change takes real sacrifice, not comfortable, miniscule, incremental changes. Tell the other person your plan for change, or if they don’t want to hear it, go write it down and implement it on your own. Employ the help of friends to make you accountable for your following through on your plan.
7. Follow up your words with actions – Better to have not made a promise at all than to make one and not keep it. Actions speak louder than words in relationships, so make tangible, measurable steps toward your goal of ensuring you will never repeat the offence.
8. Make amends where possible – If you are truly sorry for hurting, insulting, or inconveniencing someone, you should be willing to make it up to them. If they are willing to accept your amends, do what is needed to make things right. If you stole, replace the item you stole; if you hurt someone physically, pay for their medical costs; if you caused someone hardship, reimburse them for their time, effort or frustration, and do so with no strings attached. And be honest with yourself as to when making amends might just make things worse. Allow the offendee the right to refuse your amends.
9. Ask for honest feedback and support – It’s as if you are admitting an addiction and asking the offendee to let you know when they notice you falling off the wagon. Though it is not their responsibility to force you or nag you into changing, they may be willing to assist you by reminding you when you need a fresh perspective. This is, of course, predicated on your willingness to listen and learn from their input.
10. Seek outside help when necessary – If you find yourself unable to make the changes you want to make, seek out assistance from others who are trained in the field of change. Whether a pastor, a therapist, a psychiatrist or a trusted friend, find someone wiser than you who can help you develop the tools you need to change yourself. It is the fool who only seeks out his own advice. Be humble enough to acknowledge that you are not an expert in everything. Even therapists need therapy from time to time.

Clay Watkins is a licensed marriage and family therapist and specializes in men’s and couples issues.

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