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How Men Think

The article below appeared in The Information Press and was written by Clay Watkins, director of Village Counseling Center in Arroyo Grande, California. It is somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but there is much truth in it as well.

The first challenge of counseling is understanding the problem. In couples counseling, this requires the acknowledgement that there are differences between men and women in how they think, feel and respond to people, situations and their environment.

Let's start with women. Women are mysterious, multi-faceted, wondrous beings who bring variety, creativity and spontaneity to this world. Men, by comparison--well, we’re just slugs.

Men are just not that complicated. Oh sure, we seem complicated to women, but that’s because you women overthink us. Women look at the mousetrap of mankind and see some sort of space rocket. You calculate and extrapolate in an attempt to discover the genius behind the masculine mindset, but ladies, save yourselves time and effort. There is no there there. Guys are mousetraps. No rocket science is involved. A piece of wood, a metal spring, some cheese--that’s it.

In other words, when we say, “Gee, Honey, your hair sure looks nice,” we don’t mean, “I hated your previous hairstyle and I’m so glad you got a different cut this time.” Neither do we mean, “I really hate this cut, but I’m just telling you I like it so I won’t get in trouble for not noticing.” We are simple beings. We just mean we like your hair. As I said, ix-nay on the ocket-science-ray.

Motivating factors for men

Primarily men are survival-oriented, which means we don’t notice things unless they have survival value to us. Unfortunately this has caused my gender to overlook every change in society since we were Neanderthals, and thus, we still respond to the unpredictability of life the same way our ancestors did: with grunts and clubs. Granted, our grunts now occasionally involve grammar and syntax, and our clubs have fuel injected engines and 18-inch subwoofers in them, but it’s all essentially the same. So if we are selfish at times, know that it is because on some level we feel our emotional or physical survival is threatened. In other words women, don't take it personally--we men are not jerks because we are bad people; we are jerks because our very lives depend on it.

Secondly, men are respect-oriented. We want to respect ourselves, and we desperately want others to respect us. This means, however, dealing with us can prove difficult because we often want respect even when we don’t deserve it. But take heart; there are ways to get around this. Listen carefully. The key to helping us men keep our self-respect is quite simple: just lower the bar. When we tune up your car for you, then can’t get it started again, just say, “Well, at least you didn’t blow it up, Dear.” Or when we lose our job because we said the wrong thing to the boss, just say, “It's okay, Sweetie--any day without gunplay is a good day.”

Thirdly, men are pleasure-oriented. No surprise here. Guys never really mature; our bodies just get older and our toys more expensive. Ladies, this is why it’s so hard to find a responsible man. Discipline does not come easy to us as it requires delaying our pleasure. Later-bad. Now-good (grunt). Note however, you can use this to your advantage. Just refine your carrot-dangling skills. Read books on how to raise kids. The enticements may change with a guy’s age, but the theory remains constant. Whether you are using M&Ms or breasts to distract or attract us, it all works the same.

Lastly, we men are sameness-oriented. We do not like change. Change requires insight and effort. Change-bad. Sameness-good (grunt). Our philosophy is very basic. If it works, don’t change it. If it doesn’t work, hit it with a hammer until it either works or breaks. And if it works well, nail it down so it won’t move. Change, if it ever occurs, happens only when the previously mentioned pleasure principle is implemented effectively. Even then, you must continue to reward the change until it becomes a habit, which for most men requires somewhere between twenty and thirty years.

I hope this has been helpful. I am personally just glad to be done writing. Now I can go back to sitting on the couch and watching sports. Remember, any man can achieve greatness as long as he tries hard, and as long as the standard for greatness is set low enough.

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Clay Watkins is a licensed marriage and family therapist and specializes in men’s and couples issues.

Our director, Clay Watkins, M.A. LMFT, a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Our director, Clay Watkins, LMFT, is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. He provides individual, couples and family counseling. He specializes in anxiety-related difficulties including panic attacks, post-traumatic stress (PTSD) and phobias. He has advanced training and a decade of experience utilizing EMDR to treat trauma, and his unique brand of counseling integrates a solution-focused perspective that often speeds up the therapy process compared to more traditional forms of counseling. (BBS License #: MFC 37239)
Clay's Curriculum Vitae

In addition to seeing clients himself, Clay coordinates referrals to a network of experienced and qualified counselors with a variety of specialties to meet your specific needs. Contact him today and start creating a better life for you and your family.

Philosophy

At Village Counseling Center we believe most people have the resources to solve their problems. At times, however, a trauma or broken relationships or even the normal pressures of life can cause us to lose sight of our strengths; obscuring our natural ability to problem solve. Counseling provides a safe place where clients can regain their perspective, find acceptance, and challenge themselves to grow. And though true growth does require significant effort and courage, we at Village Counseling Center believe happiness is worth the price. Call us and begin building a better life, one risk at a time.

Learn more about Solution-Focused Therapy

Learn more about EMDR and the treatment of trauma, fear and anxiety