The Five Love Languages

Gary Chapman, in his book The Five Love Languages, posits that there are five ways all of us interpret love from others. These are our love languages. And while we all need all five, we prioritize them differently depending on our personality type, our belief system and our childhood family experiences. Often when problems occur in relationships, it isn’t a lack of love, rather it is that love is not being expressed in the way the other person can accurately interpret as love. The goal then is to discover the specific love languages that are most important to the people we love so we can express our love in a way it can be best understood.

The Five Love Languages

1. Words of Affirmation: Words can have a tremendous impact on our feelings. We may have grown up in a positive or negative emotional environment. If it was a positive atmosphere, usually giving words of affirmation come easily to us. If it was negative, we will have to make a conscious effort to come up with the right words at the right moment. There are several ways of giving words of affirmation: encouragement, praise, and kind words, We can never go wrong with giving words of affirmation. If this is not the dominant love language of the other person, it may less impact, but it is still healthy. There is an old joke about a man saying, “Of course I love you. If it ever changes, then I’ll let you know. Why do I have to keep saying it all the time.” The point is that people (particularly women for some reason) need to be reminded that they are loved, and fairly often.
2. Quality Time: Spending time with others enriches relationships as well as individuals. Little children need as much time as possible with caring adults. That is where they learn to bond with others and that the world is a safe and loving place. And quality time is more than just being around someone (in the same room or in the same house); it means giving him or her your undivided attention. Quality time means being available. This means stopping our busy schedules and devoting time to the relationship. It means connecting with the other person so that they know we are there for them. It is a time when you talk about things that are important or interesting to both of you. It can be a time to share your problems without the other person trying to solve them but just listening. It can be doing an activity that you both enjoy. Giving someone quality time is done without expectation of something in return, and by definition quality time must involve a quantity of time. You can’t have the former without the latter.
3. Gifts: A gift says that we care enough to make the effort to bring pleasure to the other person. To be effective the gift must be something the other person values. A common mistake is to give what you would value receiving, neglecting to take into account the other person’s tastes. Better to give no gift at all than for it to considered an insult.
4. Acts of Service: When we do something for another person because we love and care for them, this is an act of service. It may be something that we do for others on a regular basis, such as a mother who cooks meals for her family. It may be taking a friend to a doctor’s appointment. It may be offering to pick up something from the store on our way to work. Contracts such as “if you do this for me then I’ll do this for you” are not acts of love. They may be quite valid in their own right but don’t count as far as filling up love tanks. Also, statements such as “look at all I have done for you” are attempts at manipulation. To show love through acts of service they must be done unconditionally. We must give them without expecting anything in return. Then we may be delighted and surprised that others will do things for us without any expectations as well.
5. Physical Touch: We all need physical touch. And this includes more than just sexual forms of touch; it also includes holding hands or something as simple as placing a hand on someone’s shoulder. Physical touch is regulated by cultural custom or a person’s past experience. How and when we touch must be guided by understanding what and when it is appropriate, and this may require some discussion and experimentation to determine which physical expressions of love others are comfortable with.

Clay Watkins is a licensed marriage and family therapist and specializes in men’s and couples issues.

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