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Common Manipulation Techniques

by Clay Watkins, LMFT

We all manipulate.

We all have needs and wants, and when we fail to get others to meet those through straightforward means (like requesting and negotiation) we employ manipulate techniques to achieve them. Some manipulative strategies are more destructive than others, but in a pinch we all use them.

If, however, we find ourselves in a relationship with a controlling person and feel trapped by their manipulation, we can feel helpless and endangered, leading to anxiety, anger and depression.

Secrecy is what gives manipulators their power. But when we recognize and label how someone is manipulating us, we strip the manipulator of his or her power over us, which gives us more choices; empowering us. Below is a list of 23 manipulative techniques. See how many you recognize in others, and in yourself.

  1. Physical Aggression, Anger, Intimidation, Threats - "If you don't do what I want you'll be sorry."
  2. Guilt - "Oh fine, you go off and enjoy your football game while I slave away in the kitchen."
  3. Constant Criticism - "Sure you did the laundry, but you folded everything the wrong way."
  4. Name Calling, Personal Attacks - "You're a total moron. I can't believe I married such a loser."
  5. Passive Aggression - "Well yes, I threw your old wallet away, but I didn't know it had money in it."
  6. Over-Dependence - "But I can't do it without you. You have to help me."
  7. Distraction - "Sure you're upset about my lying, but what about your affair last year?"
  8. Unwillingness To Forgive - "I know you said you were sorry, but I don't think you meant it."
  9. Over-Intellectualization - "There were 18 reasons for my behavior. Let me list them for you."
  10. Splitting hairs - "Technically I bought the TV, so I should have the right to decide what we watch."
  11. Psychiatric Labeling - "You're crazy. Everyone else agrees with me."
  12. Withdrawal - "I don't want to talk about it."
  13. Empty Promise Procrastination - "We can talk about it some other time - just not right now."
  14. Naiveté - "I don't understand. You're going to have to explain it to me one more time."
  15. Rapid-Fire Responses - "Then there was your DUI, then the affair, then the gambling..."
  16. Double Binds - "So which is it, are you just stupid or are you deliberately trying to hurt me?"
  17. Spin & Distortion - "But you always get your way and I never get my way."
  18. Unwillingness to Compromise - "It's either my way or the highway-which is it going to be?"
  19. All-or-Nothing Thinking - "This is a complete disaster. Now we'll have to start all over."
  20. Mind Reading - "I know what you really meant by that, despite what you said."
  21. Isolationism - "You don't need to be spending time with family or friends. I'm all you need."
  22. Rhetorical Questions - "Why do you always...", "Why can't you ever..."
  23. Appealing to a Higher Authority - "It's not just my opinion, look at what the Bible says about it."

Clay Watkins is a licensed marriage and family therapist and specializes in men’s and couples issues.

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Our director, Clay Watkins, M.A. LMFT, a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Our director, Clay Watkins, LMFT, is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. He provides individual, couples and family counseling. He specializes in anxiety-related difficulties including panic attacks, post-traumatic stress (PTSD) and phobias. He has advanced training and a decade of experience utilizing EMDR to treat trauma, and his unique brand of counseling integrates a solution-focused perspective that often speeds up the therapy process compared to more traditional forms of counseling. (BBS License #: MFC 37239)
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Clay coordinates referrals to a network of experienced and qualified counselors with a variety of specialties to meet your specific needs. Contact him today and start creating a better life for you and your family.

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At Village Counseling Center we believe most people have the resources to solve their problems. At times, however, a trauma or broken relationships or even the normal pressures of life can cause us to lose sight of our strengths; obscuring our natural ability to problem solve. Counseling provides a safe place where clients can regain their perspective, find acceptance, and challenge themselves to grow. And though true growth does require significant effort and courage, we at Village Counseling Center believe happiness is worth the price. Call us and begin building a better life, one risk at a time.

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