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Five Steps to Happier, More Well-behaved Kids
by Clay Watkins, MFT
(as published in ParentGuide Magazine, April 1997)

It is popular in recent decades for parents to be portrayed in the media as victims; helpless to counteract the overwhelming influences of our ever-degrading society on its children. I strongly contend, however, that parents still exercise more influence over the lives of children than anyone. Thatxs right, more than peers, teachers, our government or society as a whole. Regardless of your childxs age, what you do as a parent largely determines the attitudes, preferences, habits, thinking patterns and choices they make the rest of their life. Scary? You bet. But also an amazing opportunity to influence the future. In my ongoing effort to be a better therapist for the parents who come to see me, I have talked with hundreds of parents and have read scores of books on the subject of parenting. From this research I recently compiled a list of five steps to help parents raise happier, more well-behaved kids. I call them the Five Cxs of Healthy Parenting. They are as follows.

1. Be Clear.

Usually, when we want a child to do something, we have something very specific in mind. We all too often, however, increase our own and our child’s frustration unnecessarily by offering vague instructions. Gregory Bodenhamer addresses this point well in his book, Back In Control. In it he emphasizes what he calls Bodenhamer’s Law for Parents which, paraphrased, states that children, given the option, have a natural tendency to do what they want to do, in their own time. Said another way, if you don’t define the rules, your children will! Bodenhamer goes on to instruct parents to decide what type of rules they want to set: mandatory, optional or discretionary. Clarity is most important when a rule is mandatory, i.e., it must be done-no ifs, ands or buts. The first key to being clear about mandatory rules, that is to say, rules you are willing to enforce until they are followed, is to be almost compulsively specific about what you want and how you want the task in question done, exactly. A good example would go something like this: “I want you to park your bike around the side of the house instead of behind my car where I might run over it.” It is also important to specify when and how often you want it done, exactly. “I want you to park it there everyday when you get home from school, before you come into the house.” Don’t forget to mention the duration too, if appropriate. “And I want you to continue parking it that way every day you ride your bike, until the day you start using a car for transportation.” Another aspect of being clear is stating the consequences the child will experience when the rule isn’t followed. “Whenever I find your bike someplace other than around the side of the house, I will put it in the garage and you won’t be able to use it for an entire day.” Stating consequences may not always be necessary for more compliant children. For others, it may be an imperative part of every instruction. An excellent book explaining how to create effective consequences is Kevin Leman’s Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours.

2. Stay Calm.

This is, of course, easier said than done. Calmness comes from having a plan, and being able to modify it at a momentxs notice--not a simple task. If possible, sit down and think about things after they happen to better anticipate their next occurrence. Donxt bang your head against the wall. If one strategy is clearly not working, try something very different-who knows, you might get different results. Sometimes the answer is just a simple shift in perspective. The opposite of calmness is anger, an emotion every parent has experienced from time to time. In terms of effective parenting, however, there is no greater act of self-defeat. Do your best not to let your child get you angry. Again, easier said than done, but where kids are concerned, you lose the battle as soon as you show the first hint of anger. You must master the lesson that your childxs disobedient behavior is rarely directly aimed at you. They are merely doing their job. Your job as a parent is to provide structure and safety for them. Their job as a child is to test every limit in their environment to see which ones are immovable. This makes parenting sound like a lot of work, I know, but thatxs probably because it is, every single day. Anyone who says any different has never been a parent or doesnxt really remember being a kid.

3. Concentrate.

Don’t let your child distract you. They can be masterful at this. And let’s face it, you are at a natural disadvantage. They have all day to figure out ways to get around the limits you set for them. And you only have a few moments a day to figure out ways of responding appropriately. Your only hope is to be smarter than they are. Returning to the words of Gregory Bodenhamer, he suggests deflecting tangential arguments using the words “regardless” and “nevertheless.” For instance, when your child argues she cannot go to bed because the television program she is watching is not over yet, you could say, “I understand your program is not yet over, nevertheless you still must go to bed now.”

4. Be Consistent.

This may be a parent’s most difficult assignment. At the end of a hectic day spent chasing your toddler, expending even a small amount of effort to follow through on rules may be asking a lot. But every time you make an exception or let your child break a rule without suffering the consequences, it reinforces their behavior. Unwittingly you have employed the very strategy used so effectively by casinos in slot machines. The strategy is called variable reinforcement, and it is the most powerful determiner of behavior known to humankind. Do yourself a favor. Put forth a little more effort now by following through with your child, and you may be able to spend a lot less parenting effort later.

5. Communicate that you care.

Use the LAER method for communicating your love to your children: Listen, Acknowledge, Empathize and Respond. Don’t just skip from listening to responding. An excellent book on this topic is: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Remember, you can never listen too much. You can never love too much. You can never hug too much. If you prioritize your kids now while they need it from you, they will prioritize you later when you need it from them.

Our director, Clay Watkins, M.A. LMFT, a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Our director, Clay Watkins, LMFT, is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. He provides individual, couples and family counseling. He specializes in anxiety-related difficulties including panic attacks, post-traumatic stress (PTSD) and phobias. He has advanced training and a decade of experience utilizing EMDR to treat trauma, and his unique brand of counseling integrates a solution-focused perspective that often speeds up the therapy process compared to more traditional forms of counseling. (BBS License #: MFC 37239)
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At Village Counseling Center we believe most people have the resources to solve their problems. At times, however, a trauma or broken relationships or even the normal pressures of life can cause us to lose sight of our strengths; obscuring our natural ability to problem solve. Counseling provides a safe place where clients can regain their perspective, find acceptance, and challenge themselves to grow. And though true growth does require significant effort and courage, we at Village Counseling Center believe happiness is worth the price. Call us and begin building a better life, one risk at a time.

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