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Questions to Ask Before Saying Yes to Marriage

by Clay Watkins, LMFT

Just as there are no guarantees in life, there are no guarantees in marriage.

But we can prepare ourselves for marital challenges by asking ourselves the right questions before we step to the altar.

Below is a list of 19 such questions covering the conflicts that most commonly bring couples into therapy. Feel free to use them as a template for premarital or even pre-engagement discussions. Not all questions are deal-breakers, but chances are if you and your potential spouse can't answer yes to a majority of these questions you should seek some counseling to investigate why that is.

  1. Do we agree in essential areas of religious faith (theology, practice, church participation)?
  2. Are we close on how many children we want to have (if any) and how to parent them?
  3. Do we have compatible attitudes toward money and material possessions (spending, earning, bill paying, budgeting, financial planning, status, pride)?
  4. Do we agree in the area of decision-making (who gets the final say, collaboration, compromise, power sharing, agreeing to disagree, mutual respect)?
  5. Can we agree about sex (frequency, preferences, when to talk about it)?
  6. Do we communicate well (listening, humor, conflict resolution, mutual respect, openness, honesty, intimacy, vulnerability, intellectual and philosophical depth)?
  7. Can we work out how much time to spend with the in-laws and family (boundary setting, geographically how close to live to them, frequency and duration of visits and phone contact)?
  8. Can we work out how much time to spend with friends (hers, his, mutual friends, balance, quality, style)?
  9. Can we divide up the chores equitably (cleaning, cooking, yard work, maintenance)?
  10. Can we agree on how to spend our time (work, leisure, chores, together, alone)?
  11. Do we agree about addictive substances and activities (alcohol/drugs, food, gambling, computer/online, video games, shopping)
  12. Can we agree on our attitudes toward anger and abuse (styles of conflict resolution, deciding that abuse is never okay, definitions of abuse, strategies and contingency plans)?
  13. Can we agree on the ongoing need for the counsel of caring others (accountability utilizing family, friends, church counseling, psychotherapy)?
  14. How much have we identified or worked through our emotional baggage (traumas, abuse, family issues, past relationships)?
  15. Are our career goals compatible with a good marriage (prioritized below marriage and family, stability of geographic location, one’s career advancement more important than the other’s)?
  16. Can we agree on the definition of marital fidelity (monogamy, guarding against affairs, limiting activities with the opposite sex, rules for phone calls/email/chat/IMs/texting)?
  17. Can we trust each other (resolving past hurts in the relationship, honesty, openness)?
  18. Do we have mutual interests (outdoor/active vs. indoor/homebody, introvert vs. extrovert, independent vs. together, high-brow vs. low-brow)?
  19. Can we agree on how we define marital commitment (lifelong duration, defining “for better or worse”, deal-breakers, strategies for dealing with tragedy/disappointment/
    mental illness/mid-life crises)

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    Clay Watkins is a licensed marriage and family therapist and specializes in men’s and couples issues.

    All contents © 2000-2009 Village Counseling Center

Our director, Clay Watkins, M.A. LMFT, a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Our director, Clay Watkins, LMFT, is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. He provides individual, couples and family counseling. He specializes in anxiety-related difficulties including panic attacks, post-traumatic stress (PTSD) and phobias. He has advanced training and a decade of experience utilizing EMDR to treat trauma, and his unique brand of counseling integrates a solution-focused perspective that often speeds up the therapy process compared to more traditional forms of counseling. (BBS License #: MFC 37239)
Clay's Curriculum Vitae

In addition to seeing clients himself, Clay coordinates referrals to a network of experienced and qualified counselors with a variety of specialties to meet your specific needs. Contact him today and start creating a better life for you and your family.

Philosophy

At Village Counseling Center we believe most people have the resources to solve their problems. At times, however, a trauma or broken relationships or even the normal pressures of life can cause us to lose sight of our strengths; obscuring our natural ability to problem solve. Counseling provides a safe place where clients can regain their perspective, find acceptance, and challenge themselves to grow. And though true growth does require significant effort and courage, we at Village Counseling Center believe happiness is worth the price. Call us and begin building a better life, one risk at a time.

Learn more about Solution-Focused Therapy

Learn more about EMDR and the treatment of trauma, fear and anxiety