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Understanding Women; A Man’s Guide to Relationship Rocket Science
“Any guy who thinks he can read the mind of a woman is a guy who knows nothin’!” The following article is a work-in-progress meant to stimulate discussion between men and women. As such it is somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but there is much truth in it as well. Readers are encouraged to provide feedback to assist in increasing the accuracy of the descriptions of how women think, feel and behave. If your input is used in the author's upcoming book, you may be cited as a contributor. Obviously any generalizations made are by definition not going to apply to some women, therefore please forgive the author if they do not apply to you. As country singer Tammy Wynette says in the song Stand By Your Man", "...after all he's just a man." Women; The Ultimate Puzzle For Men
To us men, women are simultaneously frustrating and wonderful. We peer at a woman as a chimpanzee might peer at a computer; mesmerized by the pretty lights; simultaneously fearful and awed by the mystery of it all. But take heart, men. There is a method to women’s madness. To truly understand these amazing creatures, however, we must be willing to expand our perspective. We must be willing to defy principles of standard male logic. We must do that which does not come naturally. We must think like women. First, forget all you heard about women as a kid. What we men pick up in childhood about the female mind--the guesses you got from your elementary school buddies--is useless drivel. This includes statements like “When a girl says ‘No’ she really means ‘Yes’”; crap like that. Second, forget what you’ve been told about women by women. We men all know women don’t even understand themselves. How in heaven’s name are they going to explain it to us? They illustrate this with cryptic phrases like “I really like it when a man cries”, “I’d rather just cuddle”, and “If you don’t know by now, then I’m not going to tell you.” The key is observation. Women are too complex to be fully understood by any one man. That’s a given. The best any of us can hope for is partial but significant understanding. Think of it as you might rocket science; with enough education, experience and elbow grease you can put together something that will get you into space. Then you press the ignition switch and pray things go well. The key is watching and listening. We’re not talking about stalking women, hacking into their email, or reading their text messages. We’re taking about watching what they do and correctly interpreting what they say. Who do you think you are, anyway?
I realize the first question many readers will ask is, how in Heaven’s name does this male author have the cajones to claim to understand women? I might even entertain the bigger question of how any man can presume to understand the opposite sex. I admit I am making a bold statement, but I do so not because of my education or my intellect or my professional training. More than any other reason, I understand women because I listen to them; hundreds of them. As a marriage and family therapist I see wives, girlfriends and moms every day and they tell me their deepest longings; their joys; their disappointments; their fears; even their fantasies. And you can bet I take copious notes to ensure I don’t forget what they tell me. I even bounce the concepts I hear off other women to make sure I understand what I’m hearing. And the conclusions I have made may surprise you. For All You OutliersLet me extend a sincere apology to those hopefully very few men who read this article, but for whom it is of no assistance. Writing an article on understanding women from a man’s perspective is a grand undertaking, and one that is inherently incomplete. I might as well be writing a primer on how to cut diamonds. Just as a raw diamond has its individual traits, molecular makeup and structural idiosyncrasies; no one woman is the same as the next. The best any man can do is gather data and from them make his best guess. To truly understand any particular woman, a man must understand the general principals of how women think, feel and act, but then also learn to adapt this understanding to the one woman he wishes to love. The bad news is, due to the complexity of the task your challenges will be many, your failures will be frequent, your mistakes will be painful. The good news: if you can think outside your own experience, develop the complex man inside you, and learn to communicate the right message clearly over and over, you will experience the ride of your life. Marriage is not for sissies
As I write this I am reminded of a joke about a Southern Californian man who, while walking along the beach finds an ornate bottle. Upon removing the top a genie appears and says, “I am so grateful to you for setting me free, I will gladly grant you any one wish.” The man asks, “One? I thought it was always three wishes?” To which the genie replies, “I’m an apprentice. I can only grant one.” The man thinks for a moment and says, “My wife always wanted us to go to Hawaii, but she has a severe phobia of flying. Can you make me a highway to Hawaii, so I can drive her there?” The genie grimaces and complains, “Wow, that’s a really big request. Do you know how many cubic yards of concrete that would take, and the engineering that would go into a bridge that long? Can’t you think of anything else you want that might be a little easier?” The man thinks for a long minute and says, “Okay, my wife is always saying I don’t understand her. Can you just teach me how to understand women?” To this the genie replies, “Did you want two or four lanes on that highway?” Coming to a working understanding of women, at least from a man’s perspective requires nothing short of rocket science. But it is possible given a certain combination of courage, persistence and humility. You are probably reading this article to help you repair a problem in your relationship with a woman. Some advice: there are no quick fixes with women. Every problem with a woman takes time and effort and consistency to rectify. It’s part of the price we men pay to get all the great things women have to offer. No use complaining because you were unaware of the fine print when you got into the relationship. Time to man-up. Along those same lines, this article isn’t for incrementalists. If you think you’re going to get a better relationship by slightly modifying your present relationship, good luck with that. This article isn’t for you. To achieve a very different relationship you’ll have to do something very different than what you’ve done in the past. With regard to relationships with women, we guys are set up to fail. To say women are complex is an understatement comparable to stating that the sun is hot (an area of the Sun's surface the size of a postage stamp shines with the power of 1,500,000 candles). Certainly any hardcopy comprehensive study of womenkind would comprise a stack of volumes stretching from here to the Moon. Without reading anything sexual into my symbolism, regarding relationships with women, we men are psychological square pegs attempting to fit into round holes. The only way to truly fit is to allow our angles to be rounded off. It’s not a matter of becoming who we’re not--it’s a matter of becoming who we can be, so we can experience and give the very best. You can spend your time attempting to square-up the round hole, but in my experience, it's generally a losing battle. The Devil Is In The Differences
Herein lies the problem; if men and women think and react in an inherently different manner, how can the sexes ever hope to get along? Mutual understaning is the answer. Let’s start with understanding the physiological differences. Aside from the obvious disparities involving genitalia, hormones, chromosomes, and appreciation for the Three Stooges, women are on average 10% shorter and 20% lighter on the scales than men. In addition, women possess 8% less muscle mass and 13% more fat cells than men. A major sex-based anatomical difference appears between 10 and 12 years when a rapid brain growth spurt occurs in both genders. However, the amount of new brain growth in females is about twice as much as in males. After puberty, during the 14-16 year brain growth spurt, males have at least twice as much brain growth as females. The net result is that female brain/body ratio exceeds that of males. In other words, it takes relatively more brains to be a functioning female in this world. Brain size and intelligence between men and women is generally the same, but important structural differences exist between the sexes that create differing responses to events around us. It starts before we are ever born. Our brain begins developing 6 weeks into pregnancy, then between three and six months hormones surge to catalyze brain growth. Specifically the brain of fetal boys is bombarded with testosterone; shrinking the corpus collosum; a structure that allows us to communicate between the left and right hemispheres of the brain. This appears to partially explain why in functional brain scans women appear more adept at using both hemispheres of the brain, whereas men tend to spend most of their brain activity in the left hemisphere only. So if you women ever sensed that all men are brain-damaged, technically you are correct. This structural difference between men and women causes a man's brain to function differently from a woman's; specifically men and women utilize the sides of the brain in different proportions. Functional brain scans indicate that men spend most of their time processing information on just the left side of the brain; something called lateralization. The left side of the brain is where logic and rationality typically occur. By contrast, women use both sides of their brain; accessing not only left brain functions, but also right brain functions like intuition and emotions. By deduction one might conclude men are more logical than women, or conversely that since women use both sides of their brain they are inherently smarter than men. Both arguments miss the point. What’s important is not that men and women process information differently, which they do; most important is that they feel differently, and this is what frequently causes a problem.
Women access both emotion and rational functions when they use their brain. This may work for them, but from a man’s standpoint this is inefficient. From a male perspective, emotions merely complicate the thinking process. While we men occasionally are affected by emotions like anger or happiness, we limit ourselves to only these two choices because the other emotions make us look like sissies. In fact, if we men could get by without any emotion we would. But for men to successfully communicate and negotiate with women, we have to be able to address the emotions women feel. This may seem impossible, but it's not. It just takes some work. Though during school ages boys have testosterone pulsing through their bodies propelling them into more frequent fights and other behavioral problems than do little girls, much of little boys' emotional experience and expression is shaped by schoolyard politics. Boys learn early that most all emotional expression other than happiness or anger is unacceptable on the playground. If a little boy strikes out at in softball then cries about it, he is quickly ostracized by his peers and often ridiculed as well. But if the same boy curses and throws his bat to the ground in anger, though he may pay some price if a teacher notices, he gains respect or fear from his peers. This applies to fear as well. So then later, when the boy has become the man, and his woman asks him to show vulnerability or disappointment or compassion, we should not be surprised when he looks like a deer in the headlights. He frankly has no idea how to feel anything but happiness or anger. Similarly, on the playground boys learn to limit their words more than girls do, because boys know that past a certain point their words become fightin' words, leading to violent repercussions. Contrary to popular belief, most little boys would rather avoid fisticuffs, so statements like "Oh yeah? Well make me!" are more often followed up with deflections like "Every time I spit I make you!" than by fighting words, "Oh yeah? Then behind the green backstop after school, you pussy!" By contrast, often little girls learn to use their words in harsh ways, because girls are not as inclined toward solving their conflicts through physical violence. As a result, when girlsgrow up to be women, they have a vast verbal advantage over men in arguments. Men are limited by social and legal consequences to physical violence, but there is no equivalent set of consequences for women using harsh words. Likewise even when little boys do get into fights, they rarely hit below the belt. Why? Because every little boy knows that it really hurts to get hit in the groin. Every little boy also knows the concept: if you live by the sword, you will buy by the sword. This goes for words as well. Little boys don't make fun of other little boys' penises because they know they are just one conversation away from being the brunt of the next small-penis-jab. Little girls, coversely, have no such understanding. Guys must understand this and learn to disregard women when they go too far.
This brings us to a very dicey topic for men: how to know when to act on what a woman says and when not to. Aha! Finally something that makes sense. All men recognize the double bind of listening to a woman’s words. We hear things from her like, “I want you to be sensitive to my needs, but don’t be a doormat,” or “Why can’t you spend more time with me; but could you work more overtime to help our finances?” Deep down women want a guy who has goals and ideas; who’s a leader and not a follower; who cares and sacrifices for his wife but won’t sacrifice his dignity. But ask a woman how to achieve both sides of what they say they want and they’ll give you nothing but gibberish. Your best bet is to do the right thing for the right reason, and let the chips fall where they may. It is, however, altogether necessary for men to learn how to feel other emotions as well as express them to their significant other. For a start into being able to do that, look at the bookThe 7 Levels of Verbal Intimacy by Matthew Kelly.
Men are visual. For men, visual stimulation-- whether it's girl-watching or looking at pictures of naked women--equates to brain stimulation. In 1956, James Olds performed a famous experiment whereby rats were taught to press a bar tied to a miniature electrode that delivered electrical stimulation to the hypothalamus of the rat’s brain; the “pleasure center” if you will. The rats were deprived of food and then given the choice between eating and self-stimulation. The rats always chose the pleasure stimulation. As many as 5,000 stimuli were self-delivered to the rats' hypothalamic region. The animals stopped only when they dropped from exhaustion. Similar to rats, we men wil choose that which stimulates the pleasure center of the brain, hence our desire to see and be seen with attractive women. Unfortunately women, the evolved creatures that they are, are often able to see past the exterior to who a man is on the inside. The problem is, they expect us to be able to do the same, so we disappoint them a lot. Do yourself a favor: love your wife. A lot of guys see these differences and try to solve the conflict by educating their wives or girlfriends. I see many of these men in my office, after years of trying but inevitably failing to convince their women that their wandering eye or online porn addiction is somehow "normal". Pick your battles, men. If you're in a committed relationship, you have to give up on all those parts of your life that undermine your lady's self-esteem. It may be difficult, but you must exercise self discipline. Don't disrespect your woman by looking another woman up and down in front of her and making comments like, "Wow, will you look at the pair on that one!" Instead, take the opportunity to throw her a compliment. Building her self-esteem will reap many rewards for you later.
Men translate what a woman says into a statement about respect, women translate everything a man says into a statement about the relationship. Little known secret; when a man says anything to his wife, deep down she is asking one question: “ Are you on my side?” Smart men find a way to imbed multiple times per day the following message in their communications to their wives: “I love you, I am committed to you, and I’m willing to sacrifice my comfort for your happiness.” The cause of most divorces is not money or cheating; it is the lack of including this simple imbedded message in all our interactions. The point system. Because women use more of their right brain (where emotion and relationship information is processed) than men do, they prioritize events, words and choices differently than men do. So when a guy brings home a dozen roses, he thinks he gets 12 emotional points in his favor. In reality he may only earn one point according to his wife. In fact he might have brought home one single rose and earned one point. Women assign points according to many factors: thoughfulness, sincerity, sacrifice, history, timing, unpreictability. Cost is a tricky factor that can go either way. One thing is for sure; each woman’s point system is unique. Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, is an excellent guide to determining how to score emotional points with your wife.
In the book How To Talk So Kids
Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, a four-part strategy is suggested that
applies directly to how to effectively communicate with a woman:
The hard part for men is to not always jump to the problem-solving (step 4 above). When we do this, women feel unloved
because they think we only see them as a project. Guys, do yourselves a favor and focus on steps 2 & 3. Your woman will
feel loved and oddly enough sometimes forget the need to actually solve the problem that started the discussion. Important
point here guys: for a woman the issue is always about how the relationship is doing. So-called "problems" are only
important to them insofar as they impact the relationship.
This article is merely a look at the tip of the iceberg of challenges associated with understanding women. For
most men, understanding their wives will be a lifelong effort. My main point: it is a worthwhile effort, and though
you’ll never completely understand her, with some smarts, some patience, and some commitment, you can understand her
well enough to make her feel loved. And that, in turn, will change how she treats you, which can make life very worth living.
All contents © 2000-2009 Village Counseling Center |
In addition to seeing clients himself, Clay coordinates referrals to a network of experienced and qualified counselors with a variety of specialties to meet your specific needs. Contact him today and start creating a better life for you and your family. PhilosophyAt Village Counseling Center we believe most people have the resources to solve their problems. At times, however, a trauma or broken relationships or even the normal pressures of life can cause us to lose sight of our strengths; obscuring our natural ability to problem solve. Counseling provides a safe place where clients can regain their perspective, find acceptance, and challenge themselves to grow. And though true growth does require significant effort and courage, we at Village Counseling Center believe happiness is worth the price. Call us and begin building a better life, one risk at a time. Learn more about Solution-Focused Therapy Learn more about EMDR and the treatment of trauma, fear and anxiety |
Our director, Clay Watkins, LMFT, is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. He provides individual, couples and family counseling. He specializes in anxiety-related difficulties including panic attacks, post-traumatic stress (PTSD) and phobias. He has advanced training and a decade of experience utilizing